You know you’re getting old when you walk up to your front door, find it is locked, and press the “open lock” button on your car keys.

USA Today reported that a vacant house burned to the ground and two people were killed. Apparently, the house wasn’t vacant.

Vanilla Ice was trapped on a plane quarantined because of a flu outbreak. The city’s EMTs arrived just in time to remove the rapper in a refrigerator. Sadly, Strawberry Ice was left behind.

The headline said: Saudi Arabia may soon behead a female activist for the first time. Well, rarely do people get beheaded a second time.

As the scandal surrounding Elon Musk’s efforts to take Tesla private stretches out, it may soon be called “Elongate.”

This is news: Kanye West wore a pair of Yeezy Slides to a wedding that were “way too small.” What the heck are Yeezy Slides?

A Backstreet Boys concert was canceled after a tent collapsed in a storm, injuring 14 fans. A band spokesman said, “This was not at all our in tent.”

Costco is removing the popular Polish hot dog from its feed court menu and replacing it with an Acai salad. “Acai” is the noise you make when you swallow this stuff.

Democrat Sen. Chuck Schumer had his statement about the next Supreme Court nominee ready two weeks before the announcement was made. The statement said, “I will do everything in my power to prevent ______________________ from being confirmed by the Senate, because _________________________ will destroy Roe v. Wade and _______________________ is a hardline right winger and ________________________ will destroy ObamaCare and _____________________ is a sick bastard.”

NASA’s Dawn spacecraft has just gotten closer to the asteroid Ceres than any other space vehicle. To pay for the mission, there are now plans for a new reality Ceres.

Now we have a smart pen. Samsung calls it the S-Pen, but I would have called it the Inkydinkydo.

Uber’s equivalent in the Middle East is a company called Careem. You can identify them in the careem-colored cars as they careem down the road.

New reality show: After the Nathan’s July 4 hot dog eating contest, there will be a projectile vomiting contest.

I’m not a very good dog trainer. I can’t even teach a new dog old tricks.

What should we think about North Korea, which can send eight or nine ballistic missiles into several oceans, but can’t afford a hotel room in Singapore for its dear leader?

Scientists have discovered cockroach milk is far more nutrient rich than cow’s milk. But you need really, really a lot of cockroaches to make one glass of milk. Ask any cockroach rancher.

Okay, if I’d slept with Stormy Daniels, I sure wouldn’t pay anyone to keep it quiet. I would be more likely to call everyone I knew and put the news on every social media account I have.

The baseball announcer said that the Cardinal pitcher “sure could use a strikeout here.” In what situation could a pitcher not use a strikeout?

The city of Philadelphia awarded two black men $1 each for the humiliation they allegedly suffered when ordered out of a Starbucks store. That award wouldn’t even buy them one cup of coffee at a Starbucks.

If you name your daughter Kim, people are going to think she’s Korean.

Isn’t it interesting that all the supposed faults of Dr. Ronnie Jackson, the former VA administrator nominee, never came to light while he worked ten years for Barack Obama and George W. Bush?

I sometimes wonder if movie stars ever realize that often the characters they portray are far better people than they are.

Is the NBA season over? Is it ever over?

Critics are complaining that the character Apu on “The Simpsons” TV show is a stereotypical caricature. The critics may have failed to notice all the characters on the show are stereotypical caricatures. You haven’t heard these same critics complaining about the police chief who resembles a pig, have you?

Scientists have discovered that the upper atmosphere of the planet Uranus is composed mainly of hydrogen sulfide, more commonly known as fart gas. How did they know that when they named the planet, Uranus?

On the subject of: We may need smarter criminals, a man in Winona, Minnesota, has been accused of leading police in a high-speed chase. The suspect was driving a semi.

On the subject of: We may need smarter wildlife, officials in New Jersey assisted a deer that had gotten its head stuck in a glass bowl.

Sarasota, Florida, residents were warned in April to look before diving into their swimming pools because of heightened alligator activity in the area. I had a mental picture of this; you walk out to the diving board, launch into the air, and at the top of your trajectory, look down and see a 13-foot gator directly below you in the pool.

On the question, “Is this really news?” the HuffPost ran a story telling conservative commentator Laura Ingraham that Parkland High School’s annoying student David Hogg has been accepted at UC-Irvine. So, can we get an update on the college plans of all the other Parkland “survivors?”

The headline said: “Barclays wins its DOJ gamble with $2 billion mortgage settlement.” A $2 billion fine is a win?

China’s Tiangong-1 space station will crash to Earth this week. The sounds pieces of the station will make when they bounce off rocks will provide names for 237,000 Chinese newborns.

This will curb your enthusiasm: an British man, after a sexual encounter in Southeast Asia, has contract a form of gonorrhea resistant to all treatments. I’m not even going to describe the symptoms.

One gets the impression that the high school students protesting gun violence don’t know what they want, but they’re not going back to class until they get it.

Actress Lena Dunham has been signed to a bit part in a movie.

A school district in Pennsylvania has stocked its classrooms with buckets of rocks so students can combat active shooters by throwing rocks at the shooter. The superintendent said if any active shooter attempts to enter the classroom, “They will be stoned.” It’s quite possible it was school officials who were stoned when they came up with this idea. But really, if stones worked against active shooters, wouldn’t we be issuing buckets of rocks to our troops?

Apparently Romaine lettuce is a lot more nourishing than iceberg lettuce. Problem is, you have to got to Romainia to get it.

My satellite radio receiver wore out. How can something with no moving parts wear out?

Canadian Prime Minister Elliot Trudeau chastised a reporter for using the word “mankind.” Trudeau said the word should be “peoplekind.” Later that day, Trudeau announced that the name of the Canadian province Manitoba would be changed to Peopletoba.