A last-minute decision by the International Olympics Committee has added seven new competitions to this summer’s games: mosquito slapping, blue water turd avoidance, immune system response, toilet repair, dead body recovery, synchronized street crime and team rioting.
A company in Colorado will build a life-sized replica of Noah’s Ark in Williamstown, Kentucky. Okay, some people are taking this global warming/rising seas thing a little too far.
Researchers report that a fossilised whale skull reveals the creature’s incredible ultrasonic hearing abilities. However, further tests show that even those whales could not have understood transmissions from the speakers at any fast-food drive-through.
The International Olympics Committee on Thursday approved 271 Russian athletes to take part in the Rio Games. The approved athletes will be part of a clinical study to determine if any of the performance-enhancing drugs they are taking can offer resistance to the Zika virus.
This is kind of news wonk joke, but have economists’ estimates ever been right?
Malaysia has confirmed that the pilot of lost Flight 370 used a flight simulator to study how to navigate the plane to crash into the Indian Ocean. How much study is needed to hit the Indian Ocean with an airplane?
Hillary Clinton addressed a joint convention of “minority” journalists on Aug. 5. Minority journalists are those known to be unbiased.
This isn’t a joke, I think. Hillary Clinton actually said this: “I have acknowledged repeatedly that using two email accounts was a mistake and I take responsibility for that but I do think having (James Comey) say that my answers to the FBI were truthful and, then I should quickly add, that what I said was consistent with what I said publicly and that’s really in my view ties my both ends together.”
Iran has banned Pokemon Go within its borders. The government found out that even if you catch a digital monster, you can’t hold it for ransom.
Ginny Thrasher won America’s first gold medal at the Rio Olympics in shooting. She brought down 8,489 mosquitoes with her air rifle.
The mystery of why sunflowers turn to follow the sun has been solved. Still being researched: the mystery of why voters follow Donald Trump.
Hillary Clinton deleted 33,000 emails because she said they were about harmless topics like yoga. Tell me, are there 33,000 yoga positions?
University of California-Davis Chancellor Linda P.B. Katehi resigned from her post after it was revealed that she spent $407,000 of university funds to hire three firms to burnish her public image. Why weren’t the three firms fired? They apparently didn’t do a very good job.
A California woman had a bear shot and killed after the bear had broken into her home three times. Turns out she had reason to be afraid; she was a member of the Elks club.
The Greenland shark may be the world’s longest-living vertebrate with a lifespan of up to 400 years. That’s long enough to star in at least 300 “Sharknado” sequels.
If an effort to meet with Donald Trump to give him some campaign advice, a man in New York used suction cups to scale the outside of the Trump Tower. His message to Trump? To get where you want to go, you’re going to need a lot of suckers.
After several rounds of bidding, it was announced that Tesla Motors will sponsor this year’s Perseid Meteor Shower.
U.S. Olympic team soccer goalie Hope Solo called the Swedish team “a bunch of cowards” after losing to them. It’s nice to see the latest gaffe to make the news didn’t come from Donald Trump.
A Texas lawyer has decided to stop taking capital murder cases after losing 100 percent of those cases over 40 years. Being a lawyer might be the only profession where one can make a living despite being a failure.
A 3,000-year-old skeleton found on a mountain in Greece has been determined to be that of a teenager. We know that because of an Iota-Phone found at the burial site.
Gucifer 2.0 has leaked the private phone numbers and e-mail addresses of numerous Democrat office holders. The Democrats are upset because nobody has called them.
Four American Olympic swimmers were robbed at gunpoint in Rio. It was just a backstroke of bad luck.
The big movie out this week is “Sausage Party,” in which several sentient food groups learn about their ultimate fate. The film is pretty raunchy. I haven’t seen it, but I’m sure at one point the hot dog looks at the Wonder Bread aisle and says, “Nice buns!”
Adele announced she is not performing at the Super Bowl. Me too. I’m not performing at the Super Bowl. I guess one of those announcements is actual news.
Bizarre news of the day. Some French cities have banned “burkini” swimsuits, apparently because they show too little skin, as in none. The burkinis apparently were designed for Muslim women who want to go to the beach, although one wonders why. Certainly not to sunbathe. If you’re wondering what one looks like, it looks like a wet suit.
If you’re wondering what our elected leaders are doing this month, they’re all campaigning. And according to what I can glean from the news, nothing else is happening in the world.
Audis will soon be able to talk to traffic signals. Why? you ask. So the traffic light can tell the car how many seconds remain until the light changes. Here’s my question: what’s the driver supposed to do with that information?
The genome of the tobacco hornworm sphinx moth has been sequenced and analyzed. Whew. I thought that was never going to happen.
Government officials have reported that a fire that ravaged 108 acres in California last year started on an illegal pot farm. On the farm was a hot water heater strapped to a tree which malfunctioned and ignited the blaze. So the dope didn’t actually start the fire, dopes did.
Best name for a sprinter – Bolt. Usain Bolt wins his eighth medal at the Olympics.
Okay, here’s my question: Is there anyone in the world who hasn’t read Hillary’s e-mails.
The feminist website Wonkette published an article in which the writer acknowledges that Bill Clinton “could very well have raped” Juanita Broaddrick, but added that it doesn’t make the former president “evil.” It just makes him rotten, or criminal, or maybe despicable, but not “evil.”
White House press secretary Josh “The Importance of Being” Earnest further explained Obama’s instructions to public schools to allow transgender students to use restrooms and locker rooms based on the gender with which they identify. “It certainly wasn’t a mandate,” Earnest said. Turns out, it was a “directive.”
New York Mets pitcher Jon Niese had to leave the Aug. 23 game against the Cardinals because of an injured knee. Good thing he didn’t injure both joints, ’cause then it would have been two bad knees for Niese. Reportedly, Niese’s niece was at the game, but that turned out to be false because his niece was in Nice.
The National Labor Relations Board ruled that graduate students at private universities may unionize. So what are they going to do when they go on strike; ditch class?
After the rape of an unconscious, intoxicated woman outside a frat party, Stanford University has banned possession of large liquor containers and the serving of hard liquor at undergraduate events. Beer, wine and moonshine jars are okay. So that should take care of that.
Thirty people gathered in London to protest the the ban on burkinis imposed by some French costal towns. First, is 30 demonstrators newsworthy? Second, wouldn’t that protest be more effective in, say, France?
I went to the airport the other day and told the authorities that I “identified” as being an airline pilot, but they still wouldn’t let me fly an airliner. Should I sue?
“A group of women will shed their shirts and march along the Venice Beach boardwalk Sunday in an annual procession pushing for a change in laws to allow females to go topless at the beach,” said the news story, and then, unnecessarily, the story added, “The event annually attracts large crowds of camera-wielding onlookers.”
Hillary Clinton has announced a new campaign strategy. She will schedule as many speeches and public appearances as possible for Donald Trump.
A fellow in San Francisco has filed a lawsuit in federal court that attempts to compel the U.S. Senate to act on Obama’s nominee for the Supreme Court. For those of us that think Congress rarely acts in our best interests, can we file a lawsuit compelling them not to act on certain issues?
An 83-year-old cockatoo named Cookie died in Chicago, another fatality in the weekend carnage that has become typical of that city. So far, police have no suspects.
Another tropical storm, the second of this season, was headed toward North Carolina but turned away at the last moment because of that state’s rules on bathroom usage. When is this going to end?
Hillary Clinton’s latest speech topic was about American exceptionalism. Well, it certainly seems an exceptional series of events gave America an individual who has been investigated for several felonies throughout her career, lies repeatedly to the public, admitted she had difficulty handling two or more e-mail accounts, has no discernible list of accomplishments as a public official, has proposed $1 trillion in new taxes and has a disapproval rating of around 65 percent as the best the Democrats could do for a candidate for president.
The U.S. and Cuba resumed commercial flights between the two countries for the first time in 55 years, or so the press said. Actually, there have been quite a number of commercial flights bringing Cuban baseball players to the U.S. over the past decade, although those were mostly one-way trips.
Maine Gov. Paul LePage said at a press conference that he won’t talk to the press anymore.
The U.S. Weather Bureau – charged with naming hurricanes – has a history of giving male or female names to the storms. After a flood of complaints, the government agency is trying to come up with a uniquely LGBTQ name. Suggestions?
Georgetown University officials, none of whom had anything to do with buying, selling, transporting or mistreating slaves, apologized for it last week. Meanwhile, Mongolian officials also apologized for trampling the Muslim caliph to death in 1242.
The United States and China on Sept. 3 formally joined the Paris climate change agreement, with President Barack Obama hailing the accord. The move by the world’s two biggest polluters is a major step forward for the 180-nation deal, which sets ambitious goals for capping global warming and funneling trillions of dollars to poor countries facing climate catastrophe. So if you want to benefit from your tax dollars, move to a poor country facing a climate catastrophe.
JetBlue Airlines, in an identification mix-up, accidentally sent two unattended five-year-old passengers to the wrong cities. Their luggage, however, went to the correct destinations.
Little known news: Colin Kaepernick also remained seated during a rendition of Bob Dylan’s “Don’t Think Twice” because he felt the theme of the tune was directed at him.
A new reality show is in the works. This one will feature long-haul drivers who only operate on interstates in good weather. It will be called “Nice Road Truckers.”
While China was hosting the G-20 summit, North Korea launched three missiles into the Sea of Japan. North Korea’s leader said he would stop doing that if the world holds a G-196 summit, which is the only way North Korea would get into one of these meetings.
Lenovo is coming out with a new portable computer called the Yoga Book. It reportedly contains many of the lost Yoga techniques that were originally in Hillary Clinton’s 30,000 deleted e-mails.
T-shirts with the slogan “We’re on Fire!” are now available free with each purchase of a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 smart phone.
A famous rock formation in Oregon known as the Duckbill was toppled by vandals. A tourist got video of the act in progress. The video is circulating on the net. The vandals who pushed over the rock formation can barely be heard, except for two words: “Duck, Bill!”
An ex-mobster, 83, is due in court in Boston to face murder charges. He could get life. Or three years, whichever comes first.
In the wake of its tyrannical leader’s death, Uzbekistan was described as a “strategically-located country.” If Uzbekistan is a strategically-located country, what country isn’t?
Democrats just blocked passage of a bill that would have increased funding to combat the Zika virus because the bill defunded abortion provider Planned Parenthood. Democrats favor the former provision, but not the latter. The main victims of Zika are unborn children. So the Democrats want to protect unborn children from getting a disease, but not from getting killed?
Donald Trump’s and Hillary Clinton’s latest irrelevant dustup is over how many generals and admirals have endorsed them; current count, Hillary, 110, The Donald, 88. If it were me, I’d be more concerned about how many privates, corporals and sergeants were going to vote for me. There’s a lot more of them.
Minnesota Democrats have filed suit to have Donald Trump and Mike Pence removed from the ballot for the upcoming presidential election in that state. Well, that works in Zimbabwe.
The Australian Press is reporting that because of an obscure SEC rule involving vice-presidential candidate Mike Pence, Goldman Sachs employees cannot donate to Donald Trump. This from the firm that gave Hillary Clinton $675,000 for three secret speeches. Goldman Sachs employees can continue to donate to Clinton. Here’s my question: Why is it that we hear this news first from an Australian news organizations?
A Galaxy Note 7 phone’s battery explosion reportedly burned down an entire car, which calls into question how smart this phone really is. Like, did it call 911 when it did this?
Hillary Clinton had to leave a 9/11 ceremony in New York early because she “overheated.” She was taken to a nearby shop and given a new water pump. No, that doesn’t mean I think Hillary is an android … well, maybe I do.
Marijuana prices in Colorado are falling after recent highs.
Apple has laid off dozens of employees from its self-driving car project. Curiously, most of the people laid off were drivers.
The Washington Times reported that Ted Cruz was absent from the Value Voters Summit. Cruz was also absent from the Cardinals-Brewers game and Jenny Lynn Baker’s birthday party.
There was a rumor floating around the web that Hillary used a stand-in when she appeared in New York as healthy and happy after collapsing at a 9/11 memorial event. It wasn’t a body double who appeared, but it was a hair double.
We like it when lawmakers get straight to the point. The Tennessee Legislature voted to expel State Rep. Jeremy Durham for alleged sexual harassment involving 22 women. After a brief caucus before the vote, State Rep. David Alexander said, “Let’s go up there and flush this commode.”
The headline said: What it Means to be Born on Sept. 11, 2001. One thing it means is that you’re 15 years old.
The ABC headline said: Mike Pence Refuses to Call (KKK member) David Duke ‘deplorable.’ He might also have refused to call him disgusting, bigoted, reprehensible, despicable, loathsome, detestable, hateful, abhorrent, awful, contemptible, or shameful. Since when do you get bad press for not using a word?
I just figured out why Barack Obama wants Hillary Clinton to be the next president. She’s the only one who can knock him off his ranking as the worst president in U.S. history.
A group of Russian researchers in the arctic were trapped in their building by about a dozen polar bears. No humans were hurt, but the bears ate their dog. So the Russians sent in more flares to keep the bears away, which makes sense, and more dogs, which makes no sense.
The European Space Agency announced it would probably complete an atlas of 1 billion stars by the end of the year. AAA has purchased rights to the map for those interested in a driving vacation next summer.
Did you hear? Colin Kaepernick was arrested for shoplifting at a prosthetics store. He took a knee.
One thing about self-driving cars: repossession will become a lot easier.
Another indication Barack Obama is getting old: it took him five years to find his own birth certificate.
And in stock market news, Samsung is on fire!
Apologies recently from people exercising their First Amendment rights: Major League Baseball player Mark Clevenger, Michigan State Sen. Marty Knollenberg, U.S. Sen. Bill Cassidy. Oregon gubernatorial candidate Bud Pierce, Donald Trump (again), Joy Behar of The View, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, ……
U.S. and Canadian aboriginal tribes signed a treaty to stop the construction of oil pipelines. Next, roads.
A U.S. astronaut aboard the International Space Station will vote from orbit if her return to Earth is delayed. Of course, she will have to produce a valid ID before she’s allowed to cast a ballot.
Physicist Stephen Hawking said recently, “If aliens call, we should be wary of answering.” Well, that’s simple enough. Route the call to a recording that starts out, “Your call is important to us…”
Another reason to teach the value of diversity: scientists have discovered the more diverse the bacteria is in your crap, the less likely you are to have fat-related diseases.
I just learned that “organic” is derived from a Greek word that means “costs more.”
A troubled lawyer opened fire on morning commuters in Houston on Sept. 26, injuring at least nine people before being fatally shot by police. Authorities are now bracing for the White Lives Matter protests.
Lindsay Lohan, in an attempt at physical labor, lost part of her ring finger trying to lift a boat anchor. The good news is she’ll get a 10 percent discount on her next manicure.
Bass Pro Shops reportedly will be buying Cabela’s outdoor equipment business. The question is, what will happen to all of Cabela’s stuffed animals? Speculation mounts.
The first baby born with DNA from three parents was born in New York. The parents named the child Kali after the multiple-armed Hindu god.
India, the third-biggest polluter on the planet, has ratified a Paris agreement on climate change. Prime Minister Narendra Modi announced last month that Oct. 2, a national holiday, had been chosen as the ratification date because freedom fighter Mahatma Gandhi, who had never heard of global warming, lived his life with a low-carbon footprint.
The headline said: Clown Sightings Fuel Panic Nationwide. One was even spotted at a circus!
Ben and Jerry’s company has announced its backing of the Black Lives Matter movement and will now stop selling vanilla ice cream.
Samsung phones have been banned in bars and restaurants in Colorado because of the state’s no smoking rule.
In science news today, we learn that NASA is predicting a giant dust storm on Mars. So why do we get weather reports for Mars?
Colin Kaepernick may start at quarterback for the 49ers in the next game. One thing he has trained hard for is taking a knee.
In a round of fact-checking after the presidential debate on Oct. 9, several experts and researchers discovered there were no facts used in the debate.
Bill Clinton apparently only pursued white women to sexually abuse. Does that make him a racist?
The headline said: U.S. reserves right to punish Chinese firms for working with North Korea. It would seem to me that just having to work with the likes of Kim Jung Un is punishment enough.
Samsung is making an effort to recall all of its Galaxy Note 7 smartphones. Well, it can’t recall all of them because so many burned down.
Archeologists digging up a tomb complex in northern China that contains several thousand terra cotta warriors have also found an “office for sacrificial offerings.” It is similar to an office in Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters now occupied by Bernie Sanders.
The New England Patriots may have made a financially promising discovery. Quarterback Tom Brady was suspended during the first four games, but New England went 3-1 during that time period. So, do they need Brady?
President Barack Obama has announced further efforts to build habitats that could help humans live far from the Earth. In related news, petitions are being circulated to make sure Obama is a resident on the first of those habitats.
And in health news, Americans can now bring in cigars and rum from Cuba.
Reports are that potential candidates are lining up to gain the support of the American press in the 2020 election after seeing how effectively the press backed Hillary.
Every time a new woman pops up and discloses she was sexually assaulted 20 years ago, you have to listen further to find out if she’s accusing Donald Trump or Bill Clinton.
I’ll tell you one place you do not want to be if Chicago wins the World Series: Chicago.
A Saudi prince was just executed for murder, proving that in Saudi Arabia – unlike in the United States – no one is above the law.
Now that Hillary and Bill Clinton will not be inhabiting the White House again, the General Services Administration cancelled plans to inventory all pieces of furniture and art work in the building.
Astute news organizations on Nov. 8 called California for Hillary Clinton before the polls opened. Did you wonder why neither candidate campaigned there?
FBI director James Comey has announced plans for a news conference on Dec. 21 to find Hillary Clinton innocent again.
Several foreign potentates, sheiks, dictators and ministers have contacted the Clinton Foundation to say if Bill and Hillary are not in a position to do them favors, they want their money back.
If you want to learn to enunciate perfectly, try giving a 16-digit credit card number to an English-as-a-second-language operator at any big corporation.
Just wondering if the people who protested Donald Trump’s election check the ownership of cars that they burn on the streets to make sure the vehicles don’t belong to members of minority groups.
The headline on Nov. 11 asked: “Why aren’t more Democrats talking like Harry Reid right now?” The answer is that most Democrats aren’t confessed liars like Harry Reid.
In the wake of Donald Trump’s election, many people are pinning safety pins on their clothing that supposedly send the message that they will help people who feel threatened. I’d put more faith in someone who regularly pins a badge on their clothing.
On Nov. 10, Facebook was notifying many of its members that they were dead, which apparently is a lot worse than being unfriended.
A golf tournament in South Africa was held up because of an invasion by mongooses on the course. Well, which do you want? Mongooses or cobras?
Suggestion for a news story a year from now: how many foreign leaders and countries donated money to the Clinton Foundation after Nov. 8, 2016?
Secretary of State John Kerry visited Antarctica on Nov. 11. Wonder if he was surprised to find that there is no nation there.
So who is dumber? The “uneducated whites” in middle America who took the time to campaign for and vote for Donald Trump before and during the election, or the millennials who didn’t do anything until after the election?