How you know this was a government-funded study. The headline is: “How Dwarf Mongooses Respond to New Immigrants.”

Astronomers have now identified the densest matter in the universe. Her name is Maxine Waters.

Baby Boom generation: “Have you read any good books lately?” Millennial generation: “Have you read any books?”

A jury has just awarded a klutz $7.5 million after he broke his hip trying to pick up a watermelon at a Wal-Mart. Not only is picking watermelons a job Americans won’t do, but apparently picking watermelons at a store is a job Americans can’t do.

Wasn’t Donna Brazile the one that was feeding Hillary Clinton debate questions in advance of the debates? Shouldn’t she have known then that the fix was in, because you know, her being part of the fix and all.

Now that neither Bill nor Hillary Clinton is running for or holding high office in the U.S., they don’t seem to be getting any $200,000 speaking engagements. Wonder why that is?

A new study indicated that sheep can recognize individual human faces, which is more than the IPhone X can do.

This is too good not to be true. Donna Brazile’s scathing new book about the Hillary Clinton campaign has been called a hatchet job by Democrat National Committee insiders. Well, they’re right. The book is being published by Hachette Books. Really.

Politico has a story entitled “Trump’s year of anger, disruption and scandal.” Would someone tell Politico that Trump hasn’t been in office for a year?

Researchers have found that the quality of bacteria in human intestines might be essential in treating cancer. They found that patients with active bacteria responded better to drug treatment, which may lead doctors to manipulate the effectiveness of the bacteria in a patient’s intestines by such methods as fecal transplants. It means patients may have to make gut-wrenching decisions.

Saudi Arabia has bestowed citizenship on a robot named Sophie. However, Sophie will not be allowed to drive in the kingdom.

If I go out the front door of my house, my dog waits for me to return at that door. When I come in the back door, she looks at me as if she were saying, “How did you do that? You must be Superman!”

Maintenance workers in the U.S. Capitol have removed all the “aye” voting buttons from the desks of Democrat senators because those senators never use them and complained that they were in the way.

The headline said: “Fire damages Catholic high school.” The followup story will be: “Freedom From Religion Foundation objects to government funds being used to fight Catholic high school fire.”

Various congresspeople are touring America to promote passage of a tax reduction and simplification bill. Okay, who exactly is opposed to lower taxes and simpler filing forms?

President Donald Trump’s slogan is “Make America Great Again.” Apparently, the new slogan for Congress is “Make America Wait Again.”

Some very sensitive people are objecting to the University of Southern California’s mascot riding a white horse named Traveler. They are appalled that the horse has almost the same name as Confederate general Robert E. Lee’s horse (long dead) named Traveller. To appease the snowflakes, USC has decided to change the name of the horse to “Whitey.”

Provagen is being advertised as a “supplement” that can improve memory functions. Its main ingredient comes from the jellyfish, which as we all know is renowned for its long memory and cognitive functions.

Dozens of Liberty University Alums will return their diplomas after the college’s leader Jerry Falwell defended President Trump. Returning your diploma has about the same actual effect as Hillary Clinton accepting responsibility for mishandling classified e-mails.

Actual Washington Post headline: “Secret Service says it will run out of money to protect Trump and his family on Sept. 30.” All federal agencies run out of money on Sept. 30; it’s the end of the federal fiscal year.

Eclipse on Aug 21 cuts power production from solar panels across the U.S. Environmentalists blame President Trump.

Why do people attack statues? Statues can’t hit back.

I was working in my office when I heard my dog barking. A kid was walking down the alley and flipped off my dog. Do kids nowadays not know that a dog has no idea what that gesture means?

It’s unfortunate, but true: more Americans know who Kim Kardashian is than who Kim Jong-un is.

I was watching the video of the violence in Charlottesville, Virginia, last weekend that followed the destruction of a statue of Robert E. Lee. A mob pulled the statue off its pedestal and were kicking it and spitting on it. Then this one guy with a guitar comes over and kicks the statue in the head, and I’m thinking, if I’m going to a riot, the one thing I’m not taking is my guitar.

I believe there should be a Constitutional amendment that requires people who hold yard sales to remove their yard sale signs from all locations no more than 48 hours after the sale is over.

Headline: Tropical storm Gert forms in the Atlantic. Washington Post headline: It’s Trump’s fault.

Dogs. You buy ’em toys and buy ’em toys, and their favorite plaything is an empty coffee container.

The Newsweek headline said, “Breast Ironing Painful for Girls.” I bet that’s true. I think it’d be painful for boys too. What the heck is breast ironing?

How paranoid are we? Police in Newport, Oregon, were called to a residence where people reported that a cat in a tree appeared to be holding an assault rifle. The “assault rifle” was actually a branch that kinda, sorta looked like a weapon. Police did the right thing; they sent a canine unit to the scene.

A new poll found that Americans fear cyber attacks more than global warming. That’s because Americans are smart.

A linguistic analysis of 1,000 film scripts found that male characters spoke far more frequently than female characters did, which just proves that films do not accurately reflect real life.

Biologist Lauren Esposito has discovered three news species of scorpion. She brought them to The New York Times newsroom where out of professional courtesy, the poisonous insects refused to sting any reporters.

California wants to secede from the United States, and nobody seems to be objecting to that idea. Think of the benefits. No. 1: Maxine Waters would lose her seat in Congress. No. 2: the $368 billion the state now gets in federal grants and aid could be redirected to other states. No. 3: As a foreign country, Hollywood could no longer meddle in presidential elections. No. 4: Without California, President Trump also would have won the popular vote in 2016. No. 5: The taxpayers won’t have to provide disaster relief for California’s next earthquake. No. 6: Arizona and other states will have more water after we stop diverting Colorado river water to California. No. 7: We can deport illegal immigrants to San Francisco rather than Guatemala and save money on air fare. No. 8: Nancy Pelosi will no longer be a member of Congress. No. 9: The wall along the Mexican border will be shorter and cheaper. No. 10: The average IQ of the population of all the remaining states immediately will rise.

It’s quite possible that when Arizona is playing St. Louis, Martinez could be pitching to Martinez, and Martinez could fly out to Martinez in the outfield. Speaking of names, there’s a major league umpire named Fairchild.

A Virginia woman complained to her landlord about noises coming from the attic. Further investigation revealed a man had been living there for no one knows how long. Her dog tried to give her a hint something was wrong. “Roof, roof!” he cried.

The University of California Irvine had to rescind 499 acceptance applications because “more students than we expected accepted admission to the university.” I understand that this is California, but if you did this on an airliner, the students would have at least gotten a dinner and free education miles.

A judge in Washington, D.C., has ordered the FAA to review seat sizes and leg room provided by airlines, calling it “the case of the incredible airline shrinking seat.” Meanwhile, another judge has ordered the CDC to investigate why Americans have grown so large, calling it “the case of the incredible growing airline passenger.”