With the murder rate, the bankrupt schools, non-prosecution of crimes, election fraud and everything else, the new slogan for Chicago should be: “The City that Used to Work.”

If President Trump really wanted a wall along the southern border, he should announce he’s opposed to such a wall. Then all the Democrats would vote for it … again.

There’s a push in California to name a highway after legendary sportscaster Vin Scully. The highway is Interstate 110, which would become the highway’s Vin number.

Three Democrats in the House of Representatives are going to skip the State of the Union speech because they are afraid they might learn something.

Many phone makers are coming out with new phones with new applications. I just want a phone that can call me and tell where it is.

Phraseology joke: How do you turn yourself into a unit of time? Tell those around you, “I’ll just be a minute.”

NASA just announced the discovery of a “nearby” galaxy. As astronomers see things, “nearby” is 13,000 light years away.

Explain this: if I’m an undocumented person (illegal alien) from Honduras, I can get free college tuition in California. But if I’m from Wisconsin, I have to pay out-of-state tuition.

Any honest critic of President Donald Trump would realize that his retaliatory wrath can fall on anyone, regardless of race.

A French couple is facing from one to six years in jail for stealing sand from a beach in Sardinia. Producers already are working on a movie based on the incident with the working title, “True Grit.”

If Jeffery Epstein, or people like him, are convicted of the vile crimes for which they are accused, should we even bother with a suicide watch?

Hong Kong Chief Executive Carrie Lam told businessmen that she’d like to quit, but she can’t. In the U.S., we’d like many of our politicians to quit, but they won’t.

Fading presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke resorted to profanity to get some publicity (and to sell T-shirts). Let’s remember: profanity is the last resort of the vocabulary impaired.

A Bugati Chiron just went over 304 mph. Why would anyone build such a car? Where would one drive it? How many sheets of plywood can it carry? And how does it drive in snow?

I saw a photo of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Kevin Hart together. Is it just me, or could Kevin Hart’s entire body fit inside Johnson’s?

Elizabeth Warren on Oct. 20 announced that she has come up with a plan to pay for her “Medicare for all” proposal that she has been touting for months. Figuring out to pay for a program; isn’t that something you do before you propose it?

Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers finished a game on Oct. 20 with a perfect QB rating of 158.3. Isn’t that kind of an odd number to denote perfection?

U.S. Rep. Adam Schiff stated he didn’t know who the whistle blower is. How could he know that?

Why do the stickers on Ohio State’s football helmets look like marijuana leaves?

In an example of irony squared, a company that prints British currency is going bankrupt because of its massive debts, proving that you can’t print your way out of debt.

Michigan officials said that wolves introduced on Isle Royale National Park are adjusting well and finding plenty of prey. In other news, three tourists and a dog have been reported missing on Isle Royale National Park.

In the less-than-encouraging news department, the Maryland State’s Attorney says she’s concerned about the integrity and credibility of 305 Baltimore police officers. The police department announced it will stand by “most” of them.

Greenville, South Carolina, reports that a record number of animals were killed during take-offs and landings at Greenville-Spartanburg International Airport last year. Hopefully that provides the final proof that we should not let animals fly airplanes.

A bunch of countries reached an agreement on climate change on Dec. 15 after days of difficult negotiations. Now, the climate will stop changing.

The newspaper story promised, after a major storm, to report where the most snow has fallen in Colorado. Turns out, most of the snow has fallen to the ground.

You know why that tower in Pisa, Italy, tilts? The local bank put a lean on it.

The Democrat  presidential candidate debate on Dec. 19 drew the fewest number of viewers than any debate thus far. Which seems to say, the more they talk, the less we listen. Or maybe, we’ve heard enough.

The latest film in the Star Wars series is entitled “The Rise of Skywalker.” But I think no matter how high Rey rises, she’ll never be as tall as Luke.

If the stock market breaks through many more ceilings, they’re going to have to build a taller building.

In late December, a Carnival Cruise Line ship ran into another Carnival ship docked in a Mexican harbor. Turns out the captain of the first ship only had a learner’s permit.

So Nancy Pelosi is withholding the articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump so the Senate can’t put the President on trial. If Pelosi were the football coach of Northern Iowa, she probably wouldn’t show up for a game against Alabama because she knows she’d lose.

The Democratic National Committee put out a “Unity” video featuring nine Democrat candidates for President. Except there are more than nine candidates at this point. For starters, the DNC left out Tulsi Gabbard. I’m going to have to look up that word “unity.”

Here’s how to take something out of context: the headline said, in reference to U.S. Sen. Lisa Murkowski, “Murkowski Distrubed.” Many of us could agree with that. But the rest of he headline said, “Murkowski Disturbed by McConnell’s Pledge To Cooperate With White House.”

Napp Nazworth has resigned from his position as Christian Post editor over the magazine’s support for President Trump. Here’s my question: Who names their son “Napp?”

Russia, China and Iran have agreed to hold joint naval exercises, with Russia and China agreeing to slow their ships down so their wakes won’t swamp Iran’s souped-up bass boats.

The star Betelgeuse is acting strange and may be about to explode. The star is 600 light-years away from Earth, so we’ve only got that long to prepare.

Presidential candidates Tom Steyer and Michael Bloomberg have spent $200 million on TV ads promoting their candidacy. Whoever invented the “mute” button should be canonized.

Georgia has announced that the state’s waters will be closed to shrimp fishing on Jan. 15. Larger people can continue fishing after that date.

Chicago has closed out 2019 by announcing that the city’s murder rate has fallen for the third time in three years. The homicide rate in 2019 was “only” 515, or more than one a day.

The city of Ashland, Kentucky, is dedicating several new statues, including two of Roman gods. But they don’t dare display any statues with Christian themes.

New York state Assemblyman Brian Kolb was arrested for DWI on New Year’s Eve exactly one week after he’d written a newspaper column warning people not to drink and drive. Apparently, he can’t read his own writing.

A man stole a pickup truck with a sleeping passenger and a goat inside and drove from Missouri to Oklahoma before releasing the occupants. How does one drive from Missouri to Oklahoma without noticing there’s a goat in the vehicle?

The story starts out, “Coastal Maine has a lot of seaweed and a fair number of cows. A group of scientists and farmers think pairing the two could help unlock a way to cope with a warming world.” How this will happen isn’t explained, but one suspects that (a) this is a government-funded study, and (b) they may be teaching cows to swim.

Michigan officials said that wolves introduced on Isle Royale National Park are adjusting well and finding plenty of prey. In other news, three tourists and a dog have been reported missing on Isle Royale National Park.

Nancy Pelosi’s husband came in and asked when dinner would be ready. Nancy replied, ” Soon. Maybe next week.”

O’Hare and Midway airports in Chicago have added boxes where travelers can dispose of recreational marijuana. Now comes the big fight regarding who gets to empty the boxes at the end of the day.

Elizabeth Warren has proposed criminal penalties for spreading voter disinformation online. Apparently, she won’t be talking about her own life any more.

Wildlife operatives in Colorado are netting elk to determine the impact of winter recreation on elk behavior. If one or more of the elk die as a result of the operation, that will be listed as a net loss.

The headline said: Film tries to show the real Hillary. Well, that’s one good way to make sure no one watches it.